(all childrens names have been changed)

The Riley family

It was Sunday 10th May, a beautiful sunny day and I was off to a Christening to celebrate the birth of baby Joseph. It was no ordinary Christening and I was flattered to be asked to be a God Father. I will leave Alison to take up the story.

“It was late June when I discovered I am pregnant again, I went to see my doctor who said she would let the midwife know, and with that I went home and went onto the internet to look for parenting classes, I wanted to change things this time around. There were loads in Kent and 99% of them were free and I was looking down the list this one course jumped out at me. So I printed off the list and said no more, I gave it to Darren. He was going through it and the same one caught his eye, it was the only one you had to pay for so we picked that one and e-mailed the group straight away.

We got a call from a man called Alan Wilson he arranged to meet us at one of his Family Coaching Café taster sessions, we arrange to see him on 14th July at 2pm. We had a long chat and I explained our 6 children from previous marriages, were in care and why, he stopped us and said “to be honest as far as I’m concerned the past is the past and if you are both totally committed to a different future I can help you” – what a relief at last we had found someone who believes in us.

I went on to tell him the problems we were having with our eldest son Lawrence, who is in a residential home. He looked at us and said “if you ask your son why he did what he did, he may not know why specifically and immediately be on the defensive. Try saying how can we support you to be better behaved, by asking him in this way he will be more likely give you a useful answer.” I remember thinking to myself, yes whatever, you don’t know Lawrence it’s not that simple with him. When I spoke to him next I remembered what Alan had said so I tried it and it has worked Lawrence’s behaviour improved 100%.

Lawrence was a typical teenager who thought he knew everything, we applied some of the things we had talked about with Alan and helped Lawrence see things from different angles, for example, Lawrence was very hot headed which often ended up with a conflict of some sort with his peers in his care home. After listening to us he himself applied the skills we had learnt and to his surprise it worked, the conflicts were becoming fewer, Lawrence’s attitude has changed for the better and his language was far better then we could of dreamed of.

Over the weeks Lawrence had changed his behaviour beyond recognition, no more fighting with peers and staff, running away, stealing and being a constant worry. He has become a peer mentor to his colleagues and the staff cannot believe he is the same lad.

I believe if this approach can help Lawrence change then there is hope for other children and families out there. We see Lawrence as a typical teenager, who now, in his own mind is able to apply a positive thought process to many of things that he had struggled with, in fact he is starting to shine in many ways, for example, his school work had not been very good due to the conflict with his peers/teachers, his general attitude to life since being placed into care was no one cared for him except us.

He started to apply some simple techniques that we had passed onto him which set him up to become a decent young man. His school work has improved, his school portfolio is so good he has obtained recommendation after recommendation and certificate after certificate, he is the only person in his year to complete it, all by just by applying a positive mental attitude. Lawrence seemed keen to learn more because he was seeing the benefits that he had made himself. In fact Lawrence was so surprised by our changes he said on one occasion “are you 2 on drugs, you have changed so much”.

One thing I would like to add to this is that our personal circumstances were not very bright for the last two and a half years our children have been in care. We had the choice of going to a free course but we honestly believe the money we paid has changed our family’s future and given us hope that very soon we shall all be re-united as a loving family that we once were.

If you are reading this and are in any doubt that this seems to good to be true, I challenge you the reader to put it to the test. The rewards that can be generated by applying techniques that are so simple to master, are far greater then you can imagine. I urge you to think where you are in your life and where you want to be, because ultimately you make your own future and you have a choice at every event that plays a part in your life.

You need to be patient and follow your heart and I deeply believe we owe my sons safety and good behaviour to Alan. All I know is I feel much stronger than ever to fight for my children and help others and I have a lot less fears for my oldest son and our other children now.

Thank you Alan for giving us this gift of the power of positive thinking.”

I came away from the Christening on a real high – Alison looked radiant, Darren is training for a job in security, Lawrence is joining the army, baby Joseph looked adorable and they seemed a very happy and united family.

I didn't enjoy being a parent

When I came to my first session, I can remember feeling quite low and not enjoying being a parent. I was feeling bored with life and felt that I needed something more to occupy my mind. Although I have a very active 1 year old I was feeling like I wasn't achieving anything by looking after my daughter and thought that going back to work was the answer. Since then I have changed my outlook on life and how I see things at this point in my life and I believe this is down to your sessions.

I feel that by talking through what I have achieved in my life so far and by using the course materials to realise what I have, has made me realise that you don't need a lot to be really happy. I realised that being happy can affect so many different aspects of my life, such as my daughters moods and my relationship with my partner. I know now that true happiness for me is being content with what I have got and what I have achieved already so far in my life, my daughter, my fiancé (we have got engaged since I have been attending your course), my house, etc.

Where as before, I felt like I needed to achieve more, I wasn't content with just being a mum and didn't see this as an important role. Now I embrace my role as a mother and enjoy each and every day with my daughter. I know these early stages in her life will go by so quickly, and as her mother I can offer her so much by being here at home with her.

I have also looked into and will be attending a seminar on becoming a life coach. You mentioned this to me after we did a session on what our real passions were, and from this I discovered that I enjoyed listening to people, helping and guiding people.

Thank you for all your guidance and support.

It changed my life
I wanted to write to you to tell you the dramatic effect just 2 hours a week for 3 weeks has made on our lives.

The reason I came to your group in the first place was that my daughter was being disruptive in school and at home. After working with you and then putting this into practice with her, it come to light that my daughter didn't like the person she had become, saying she was a nasty horrible person, but she didn't know how to move on from that.

I started by telling her that she has choices in life and we worked on from that. She made the most dramatic change within 3 weeks and went on to have a great summer. My daughter is now happy and comfortable with herself and her teachers think she must have a twin!

By changing the way I think, having the time to listen and helping my daughter make the right choices has made our relationship much stronger. I know we only had 3 weeks together, but what I took away from that course was a whole new meaning to parenthood.

Putting it all into action with my children has made our lives as a family much closer. We all talk and listen to each other (most of the time)! I think for the children knowing that I'm on their side has been the biggest help for them, telling me things they never would have before, then us working it out together.

Life's not perfect all the time, but as long as we work this way, keeping it consistent, our relationship will be a good one. Due to all of this and because I've always had an interest, I am now doing a GCSE in Psychology. It was the push I needed. So many thanks' from a very content mother.

By the way you mentioned you were seeking parents to run a support group and I would be very happy to put my name forward as it's something I would like to take further.
Mrs JS, Parent

Take control of my life
From walking into the family room on the first week of this course not knowing what to expect, I am now on week five and feel really good about myself. Not having any behaviour problems with my son, I went in with a completely open mind and I am very glad that I did. I am open to all suggestions, Alan and myself, I think, are on the same wave length.

The way Alan teaches a group is excellent. He doesn't preach to you but explains everything to you for you to digest as you will. There is no right or wrong answer, he introduces different ways of handling different situations. The major thing that I have learnt from this course is the power of thought. It is true what they say, 'Children can tell what mood you are in'. By changing the way you think and feel about yourself lets you change the way people react to you. By not shouting at people when you are cross makes them react different.

I really enjoy the group discussions in this class and the way Alan responds to them is fantastic. He makes you feel really good about yourself. I am a very confident person anyway, but most of the group are not. By this short length of time in his class he has made the rest of the group change the way they think and become more positive.

I have learnt how to take control of my life and make more time for myself. This was one of my problems to start with as I had very little time to relax. I have managed to fit in time for myself and time for my family etc. In heated moments, I now don't just shout and argue, I say 'I'm not in the right mood to talk about this now, let's talk later. More often than not now, I have a cup of tea etc and then the relevant person comes and explains themselves and apologises. The stress is gone which is good. I have also learnt not to say just no but to explain to my son or whoever exactly why I or his can't do something and arrange when we can.

Another major thing I have learnt is to only say yes to something if I can give 100% to the project. By keeping a success diary, I found that I could record all my feelings and emotions that I felt in the course of a week and could clearly see all my successes and achievements. From these successes, clear goals could then be set and progress can be made. I found the levels of listening very interesting as it made me think hard about what you do when you are with other people, I am now able to listen properly and digest what people are saying.

The exercise last week that we done on telepathy particularly interested me. Both myself and my partner quite often know what each other is thinking about. To some people it is very strange and not natural, but it was proved last week that it does work. Alan speaks about sixth sense as well. I am a great believer in this as I am very interested in the new age ideas that he has.

It has been a great pleasure in doing this course and am looking forward to doing the last two classes with Alan. He is a really nice person who is very good at his job. Currently, I am in the process of making a smart goal and look forward to achieving it. I would recommend this course to everybody as if you are not confident to begin with, you will be by the end of this course. After doing this course, it has left me hungry to find out more information about life coaching etc. One day I may become one myself as it interests me so much. This has been brought forward by just four weeks of a six week course. If I had been on a longer course, then who knows where I would end up and this is all thanks to Alan sharing his knowledge and experiences with us.
Mrs SF, Parent

Positive attitude
Before I started the course all my children were suffering due to Brian's behaviour. Louise was going into herself and Jackie was becoming a handful again. I was suffering as I felt as if I was a failure as a parent. I involved Social Services because I felt as though I could not cope with all the problems Brian was having.

There was no mutual respect between us and this made me worse in the way I was feeling and thinking. Most of the time I would let the kids walk all over me and get away with it.

Since starting the course the positive mental attitude I have found has made life better for all of us. I have found that changing the way I think has changed the way I talk to the children. There is not any more screaming or shouting above them. We now try and talk to each other. Not always possible but we are getting there.

As a family we also do more together, it is not me and Ken or them, it is us as a family. There is more respect between us all and even Ken has settled down and backs me up when I do have to tell them off for bad behaviour.

I now enjoy being a parent and spending the time doing things as a family. Also since the positive attitude has had a major effect on the forthcoming birth of our forth child. When the children were first told about the baby it was mine and Ken's as time has gone by it has become ours and if you ask any of the kids who ours is they will go through the whole family by name.

With the whole family getting on better I do not feel a failure. I enjoy being a Mum.
Mrs SR, Parent

Positive thinking
I enrolled on this course initially because I was encouraged by friends.

At the time I had many burdens on my mind but didn't appreciate at the time how low I was. The first session was hard to get to. I was so nervous and really didn't think it was for me.

But it was, I know that now.

It made the bad things come to the surface and made me realise that the low feelings I had for myself rubbed off on friends and family. The last few weeks of the course is like a rollercoaster. Building up the confidence and the ability to use positive thinking for each problem or scenario.

At this meeting (the last) I have realised that it is positive thinking that has helped me get through everything. Thoughts are more positive rather than negative, and the goals I have made can be achieved, along with any new ones that I may choose to make in the future.

Thank you very much to help me lift a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel a much better person now.

The course has really opened a window out of a busy mind. I feel more confident and I'm pleased I stuck at it. The future will be a new ME!
Mrs MR Parent

Confidence
Three months ago, everything I seemed to do with David was hard work. He was still adjusting to starting school and there were issues in the class.

At home, if he didn't get his own way, there were bad tantrums. He wouldn't do as he was told and would often answer back. He was like a teenager, ten years early! I was using a star chart which was my last resort as I was running out of ideas.

Now, David is a different child. He seems much happier so am I. We do more things socially now as I have confidence that David will behave. The tantrums have gone and he rarely answers back. There is no shouting at each other. Being with David is now an absolute pleasure. He does as he is told and the star chart has stopped being used.

Before the course, he would say 'I can't be a good boy. Today as we walked to school, he said to me 'I know I can be a good boy mummy.'

Thank you - you've transformed my life!
Mrs AW, Parent

A strong family
My prior situation before this course was extremely confusing for myself and my children, it was very much dominated by fear and a lack of trust. It tore me and my kids apart that my kids heard and witnessed me being tormented, mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically as a way of coping day by day I shut down.

How could anyone hurt me so deeply again if I had no reaction, no emotion or feeling. Well that's what I would pretend and when I look back it was a survival instinct I developed to live. I wanted to move on so much but I no longer knew how to achieve it.

My children went from having a happy and secure life, to them living a living nightmare. Two of my children went within themselves no longer talking and sharing with me because they thought if they were really good the situation would go away. If a situation was a bad experience I would look at them and they would leave the room. The look was one of pleading, I don't want you to see, hear or feel this, although in my heart I knew they were very aware of the situation.

One of my kids would pretend it was not happening, he built up a fantasy which I had a hand in as not to shatter it, I blamed myself, made excuses. He went from a caring bright child that loved life and all in it, into a boy that hated me and he had a cynical approach to life, he cried in anger. My other two children shouted at me until they were blue in the face, on their hands and knees crying in physical and emotional pain, begging me to put things right again. All my children wanted was their Mum back, they cherished me as a Mum and believed I was a wonderful person in my own right and visa versa.

They didn't want the latest fashions, extra money or a Mum that did not have boundaries or discipline. My kids loved my honest approach towards them, the care, love, the way we had great fun. We all wanted our strong family to be again. With the course I and my kids have found a way that is working towards this. I don't expect things to go back to how they were before, as we have all changed and we are getting to know each other as the people we are now. But we all believe we will be stronger as a family and as individuals.
Mrs KE, Parent

Listening to my thoughts
I have listened intently to everyone on the course and have learnt so much about people and our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, but most of all it's made me look at my own life and re-value it. Before the course my thoughts were always negative, it felt like I had got myself into a rut and it was easy to let my feelings and emotions get the better of me.

I thought that I wasn't coping and dealing very well with certain situations that occurred in my life and I doubted myself, I was alone a lot and felt trapped in my own little world and I didn't want anyone to invade my space (it made me feel threatened).

I was praised from time to time by my family and those close to me, but my own thoughts made it hard for me to accept this. Like many other people I'm a single parent and have bought up my five daughters on my own, it wasn't easy asking myself if I was doing and saying the right things and making decisions on my own.

However, I have learnt enough to know that my thoughts are more positive now than ever before. I do have the occasional time when things get me down but I let my thoughts change that. Deep down I know that I did my best for my children while I was bringing them up and I know they appreciate that.

Those situations that I thought I wasn't coping with, well I was and if anything I would say that I have learnt a lot from them and I'm a stronger and better person. I take time now to listen to my thoughts and my children express their own. Things have changed at home, my youngest daughter tells me how she is feeling, what she wants to do and say and expresses herself much more. I have found that her older sisters listen to her and take into consideration what she has to say and what she wants to do more, rather than just give orders.
Mrs SB, Parent